I went to a creepy house yesterday to run an errand for my husband. I didn't know if someone would be home. As I drove up a secluded street the house was at the end of a drive surrounded by trees. It was a quiet neighborhood. I looked for the thing I needed to pick up but didn't see it on the porch. The front door was wide open or perhaps there wasn't even a door, it was hard to tell.

I've been thinking about things that are safe, unsafe, and dangerous. Both physically and with my heart in relationships. I have categorized much of the safe as unsafe. I am still working through why I believe this, why I am hesitant to trust. I have had a good, safe life. I feel like I'm a chronic sexual abuse victim or something, but that's a very small part of my story. 

When I drove up to this house and looked around, immediately the "dangerous" signals went off. I didn't want to go 10 feet from the front door. I was convinced a man would jump me and drag me into the basement and rape me. I didn't want to think about what would happen to my kids.

I called my husband and told him I didn't see the thing I needed to get and that I didn't want to look around. He talked me into opening the garage and finding it, which I did. I felt that "flight" response in which I just wanted to run fast and far. 

Irrational? Maybe.

Revealing about how I see safe/unsafe/dangerous? Definitely

Relate

Relating to other people

Would be a lot easier if 

I knew what they were thinking

I have learned that the words

That come out of a mouth

Aren't always true

"How are you?"

"Okay."

Not really

Not okay at all

Lies

Hiding

Unsafe

Confusion

Did my issues come from my parents

Or my peers

School didn't help

My

Self-consciousness

But I felt self-conscious at 

Home

Too

The look from my mom

Or dad of

Disappointment

Disapproval 

"You're okay"

No

Not okay

Love 

And

Logic

More like

Fear

And

Confusion

My relationships now

Echo

Their influence

I fear 

Disapproval from

Parents

Not peers

But it reminds me 

Somewhere along the line I decided that being different was wrong. And wrong was bad, very, very bad. I learned that sharing my opinion openly didn't get me admirers, but instead got me weird looks and scheming secrets from my "friends." I never really believed the whole, "There are no stupid questions" garbage from my teachers. Just because there were no stupid questions doesn't mean I won't get judged for asking one. And by judgement I mean a look of disdain, disapproval, shunning, or worse yet, outright being made fun of. The thing about being made fun of is that even though it hurt my feelings, I learned to roll with it, make fun of myself, or just laugh along with them. Really, it kind of hurt to be called cherry bomb because when I laughed my face got all red. It felt vulnerable to be known as that girl who fell into the sewer drain. Like my stupid mistake was on display for all to see. It felt horrible to know that I wasn't "smart" enough to be in the special group of kids who got to go on special trips and the teacher just let me in anyway. It felt bad to have crushes on boys but have it not be reciprocated because I wasn't cool enough. It felt bad to have to get my dance costume altered because I was too fat. 

Where were my parents? How could they not see? Didn't the teachers notice me and tell my mom what was going on? 

If my parents didn't notice me, why should I believe in a God who notices me? I have to make myself noticeable, love-able. I have to make myself worth His time. 

I know that is a lie. I know that I don't have to, nor can I make myself more noticeable or worthy to God. Jesus did that for me. But is it any wonder that I struggle with being hidden, working to be recognized and praised? Any wonder that I struggle with being valued based apart from my good deeds? It's seeped in for so long. I've been marinating in this paradigm for so long, it's hard to wash off practically.

Hard boiled

I am an egg 

Hard on the 

outside 

By necessity

An egg develops a shell 

To protect what's inside

But the shell is fragile

Easily broken

Sometimes eggs are hard boiled

Which is basically boiling the egg in water

And then making it stew in it until 

Done--a variable amount of time

Hard boiling an egg doesn't change 

The shell

Only

The stuff underneath 

Still

Fragile

Still

Thin

I must be a hard boiled egg

I am hardened by the heat and time

It's been a long time 

My shell is broken 

And won't come off easily

It has to be peeled off in tiny pieces

And can't be done alone

Sometimes the shell is reluctant to

Detach from the white 

It sticks on as if adhered with 

Superglue

But nobody wants shell in their egg salad

The hard boiled egg is of no use if 

Full of

Shell

The shell must come off

The insides must be exposed

The self-protection must be

Ripped away

 

 

Broken

An egg cracking

One crack

Another

And another

And it's broken

Am I an egg?

Shiny and put together on the outside

But my inside is jelly

Formless 

Needing to be contained

Getting hit with my sin 

And my shell cracks

Hit with grace 

It cracks more

Thinking I can just be cracked 

And heal myself

Really I need to be completely

Broken

Is the egg scared to break?

Seeing the hit coming but

Unable to do anything

Am I but an egg in the hand of 

The Creator?

Am I part of something bigger

But I must crack completely and be

Broken

To be of any use?

An uncracked egg doesn't do anything

But look pretty 

And uncracked egg doesn't 

Nourish

Contribute

An egg needs to be broken 

To be mixed with other things 

And turn into something new

Behold 

I will make all things new

Says the Baker

But I need to break first