Anxious/Avoidant
I am feeling anxious in a friendship, again.
I think I might have messed it up, again.
I think I am too much, again.
How did we go from
Random reconnection to
Daily conversations to
Why do I suddenly need this attention
All the time.
I’m trying to be cool about it
But I am struggling to not equate
an answer with acceptance
Has a boundary been drawn and
I don’t know about it?
Am I in trouble and
I don’t know about it?
Have I made a mistake and been inappropriate and
I don’t know about it?
What is this anxious-avoidance?
I think I must have scared him off
My female mental problems must be
Too much for him
My honesty and vulnerability must be
Too much for him
Every single wave crashes over me like a marching band’s cymbals clanging over my ears
Enveloping my senses in disorientation
Which way should I go next?
The friend, the important one, has gone away and I am
Disoriented
I look to others to validate me
But they are gone and
I have to validate myself.
My mother, my friend, my validator.
But she would leave and I would be
Left alone to wonder if I’m
Worthy.
Wonder if I’m safe
Am I safe here?
Without someone to reassure me that I am, I’m not sure
I’m left to
Guess
“I may become more avoidant as you become more anxious”
Is he working me?
Is this his treatment, for my good?
Maybe.
He has no claim to me
He is not my husband or
A family member
He is a guy who knows a lotta stuff and is
Letting me be his friend.
His withdrawing may have a
Perfectly reasonable reason
Like when my mom would go to work
She was gone and I had to wait
Will she come home? How can I know?
And it’s okay for an adult to have a reason or no reason to be distant.
Is he letting me “complete the stress cycle”?
Is he letting me process on my own?
Even at dinner, a rushed dinner, I didn’t want to talk about surface things
I didn’t want to talk about funny stories
I didn’t want to talk about light banter
I wanted to be real
Be true
Be myself
Not some put-together version
But there is less freedom in a crowd.
I am safe.
I can be neurotic.
He will tell me when to stop.
He will. And he has.
And I am safe.
He won’t ghost me
Gaslight me
Make me feel
Crazy.
He won’t.
He promised.
And I know in my soul that I am safe here.
