I walk into a situation and I carry a bag with me. The tag says "Abandoned Girl." Not my name, not my address. Actually there are many bags I carry in with me. Another being "Stupid" and yet another "Comic relief." Sometimes the bags are so heavy I can't focus on anything else in the room but the weight on my back. I think sometimes I put the bags at my feet and join conversation so it "looks" like I'm not carrying anything, but the weight is still with me.
When do I pick up the baggage?
In specific groups. Groups of people with whom I've gone "behind the counter" seem to be harder to even let the baggage set at my feet. Groups of people with whom it's still kind of surface I can trick easier. People who have seen my garbage, I feel like they're judging me. Community group knows I'm not perfect, new people I seem to have fooled. Book club knows where I struggle, new women's group doesn't in the same way. I don't know why that's threatening. I can be "vulnerable" but it is at a very high cost to me because I think they judge me. Instead of feeling safe with safe people, there is an intense feeling of abandonment and judgment.
Why is that?
Because it was the people I was supposed to be bonded to, and who I tried to bond to, that judged me the most, or from whom I felt the most judged. Mom and Dad. So the people I am bonded to now, and the list is short, have the potential to judge me and hurt me the most. It's just easier to keep things surface. Less disappointment. But not actually fixing the problem.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Painfully awkward
Feeling off
Not understanding tone
More comfortable with children
Uncomfortable around men
It makes more sense now that I understand I am not grown up yet. It's not a bad thing. It's just a fact. It will change. But I can't rush through change. I can't shortcut through this. I want to. I want to be fixed. I don't want to do this work that seems never ending. I want to be at the end.
It's a grace to me that I don't get to shortcut through this but instead get to rely on Him and Him alone.
Monday, August 31, 2015
It's your birthday today.
But you gave up on birthdays a long time ago.
You gave up on me a long time ago.
I don't understand.
I don't understand why I care now.
Maybe it's because so many years I helped you celebrate
And it takes a long time for those memories to fade.
I always spent so much time looking for
The perfect present
For you.
You hurt me.
You betrayed me.
You dumped me as a friend.
Like I was nothing, like we were nothing.
You can't just dump 15 years of friendship
And expect there to not be consequences.
But in the last few months I've realized that
You don't have power over me anymore.
You aren't hurting me anymore
The hurt I feel is a shadow of the past
And it's not happening anymore.
I remembered your birthday because
I forgive you.
I thought of you and felt sad
Because I forgive you.
It's a new feeling.
A new thinking.
A new me.
But you gave up on birthdays a long time ago.
You gave up on me a long time ago.
I don't understand.
I don't understand why I care now.
Maybe it's because so many years I helped you celebrate
And it takes a long time for those memories to fade.
I always spent so much time looking for
The perfect present
For you.
You hurt me.
You betrayed me.
You dumped me as a friend.
Like I was nothing, like we were nothing.
You can't just dump 15 years of friendship
And expect there to not be consequences.
But in the last few months I've realized that
You don't have power over me anymore.
You aren't hurting me anymore
The hurt I feel is a shadow of the past
And it's not happening anymore.
I remembered your birthday because
I forgive you.
I thought of you and felt sad
Because I forgive you.
It's a new feeling.
A new thinking.
A new me.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Taking it Year by Year
A common response when one asks whether another will be homeschooling all the way through high school is, "We are just going to take it year by year." I think it's a legitimate response, and I have frequently replied this when asked the previous question. I never thought anything of it until this weekend at an all-day homeschool workshop. The workshop host discouraged this answer, explaining that you would never respond, "I am going to take it year by year" if someone asked how long you will be a Christian. I see her point, but the analogy sort of breaks down because comparing homeschooling to being a Christian just isn't a fair comparison.
In homeschooling, that's a fair response because it's probably wrong to assume that you would homeschool exactly what you plan all the way through until high school. I don't necessarily know what I'll be doing in a year let along the next 12 years. I could get sick and be unable to homeschool, I could be widowed and that would change my approach, heaven forbid I might die and I don't want my husband to feel tied to homeschooling if it's not something he's able to handle. The point is, we don't know what God has planned to sanctify us! Perhaps our sanctification will not include homeschooling.
I think this is why the Bible says, "Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." James 4:13-17
A more appropriate response to the question, "How long will you homeschool," might be, "I would really like to homeschool all the way through high school but I'm holding that decision in an open hand and evaluate this decision regularly to see if it's in line with what God is telling me."
[As an aside- how come when kids are schooled in public or private options, this question isn't even an issue? It's usually only asked of the homeschooler. How come our culture feels comfortable questioning (and therefore judging) the homeschooler when it would be ridiculous to ask the same questions of a non-homeschooler? Additionally, why are really any questions about how I school tolerable to ask? I don't go around asking public teachers what curriculum they are using or how long they are going to keep teaching their students. Just keep your questions to yourself unless you really want to know, which usually you don't or don't need to know. <endrant>]
Now to the point of "taking it year by year" for the Christian. The workshop lady has a point, and that's that we don't reevaluate our walk with Christ every year. This is true. But if one were judging by my actions, I probably don't walk with Christ every day, so I don't actually know if I will be walking with him in another year. I know intimately that I am "chief of sinners," but I also know that His grace is irresistible and he, in kindness, always draws me back to Him despite my heart and behavior.
I identify so much with Peter. Proud, zealous Peter. "And Jesus said to them, 'You will all fall away, for it is written, "I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered." But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.' Peter said to him, 'Even though they all fall away, I will not.' And Jesus said to him, 'Truly I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.' But he said emphatically, 'If I must dies with you, I will not deny you.' And they all said the same." Mark 14:26-31
Very shortly after this exchange, Peter does deny his Lord, three times as Jesus predicted.
We do not know what God has for us and how he is going to use it. Homeschooling or not, we should hold these things in an open hand. As James writes, "All such boasting is evil."
In homeschooling, that's a fair response because it's probably wrong to assume that you would homeschool exactly what you plan all the way through until high school. I don't necessarily know what I'll be doing in a year let along the next 12 years. I could get sick and be unable to homeschool, I could be widowed and that would change my approach, heaven forbid I might die and I don't want my husband to feel tied to homeschooling if it's not something he's able to handle. The point is, we don't know what God has planned to sanctify us! Perhaps our sanctification will not include homeschooling.
I think this is why the Bible says, "Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." James 4:13-17
A more appropriate response to the question, "How long will you homeschool," might be, "I would really like to homeschool all the way through high school but I'm holding that decision in an open hand and evaluate this decision regularly to see if it's in line with what God is telling me."
[As an aside- how come when kids are schooled in public or private options, this question isn't even an issue? It's usually only asked of the homeschooler. How come our culture feels comfortable questioning (and therefore judging) the homeschooler when it would be ridiculous to ask the same questions of a non-homeschooler? Additionally, why are really any questions about how I school tolerable to ask? I don't go around asking public teachers what curriculum they are using or how long they are going to keep teaching their students. Just keep your questions to yourself unless you really want to know, which usually you don't or don't need to know. <endrant>]
Now to the point of "taking it year by year" for the Christian. The workshop lady has a point, and that's that we don't reevaluate our walk with Christ every year. This is true. But if one were judging by my actions, I probably don't walk with Christ every day, so I don't actually know if I will be walking with him in another year. I know intimately that I am "chief of sinners," but I also know that His grace is irresistible and he, in kindness, always draws me back to Him despite my heart and behavior.
I identify so much with Peter. Proud, zealous Peter. "And Jesus said to them, 'You will all fall away, for it is written, "I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered." But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.' Peter said to him, 'Even though they all fall away, I will not.' And Jesus said to him, 'Truly I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.' But he said emphatically, 'If I must dies with you, I will not deny you.' And they all said the same." Mark 14:26-31
Very shortly after this exchange, Peter does deny his Lord, three times as Jesus predicted.
We do not know what God has for us and how he is going to use it. Homeschooling or not, we should hold these things in an open hand. As James writes, "All such boasting is evil."
Monday, August 24, 2015
My heart feels scattered. So many places to go and so many things to pursue. Which is your path, Lord? What would you have me do and pursue? A few things are constant in my ideas for what to do and where to go.
Writing
Encouragement
To Women
How will this be a part of my path? You Lord have clearly given me a heart to write. Please let this heart be to glorify your name, not my own.
Writing
Encouragement
To Women
How will this be a part of my path? You Lord have clearly given me a heart to write. Please let this heart be to glorify your name, not my own.
My brain lies to me. It says that I am stupid, fat, ugly, unworthy. I says that people don't want to be my friends or spend time with me. It refutes the nice things people say and tells me they're lying.
"Daughter, you are loved."
My brain fills my days with judgement, to-do lists and reminders of stuff I need to do to be worthy. Sometimes the noise is too loud for anything else.
"Sister, you are loved."
My sleep is interrupted by people needing me and when I do sleep I am unsettled by my dreams and anxieties. Remembering things I need to do or things I need to remember.
"Friend, you are loved."
My brain lies.
God tells me the truth.
My heart is swayed.
The Father is true.
The enemy whispers lies.
The Shepherd leads me in the right way.
"Come to me, all who are weary and I will give you rest."
"My sheep hear my voice."
Thank you Father for being greater than my brain and better than my desires.
"Daughter, you are loved."
My brain fills my days with judgement, to-do lists and reminders of stuff I need to do to be worthy. Sometimes the noise is too loud for anything else.
"Sister, you are loved."
My sleep is interrupted by people needing me and when I do sleep I am unsettled by my dreams and anxieties. Remembering things I need to do or things I need to remember.
"Friend, you are loved."
My brain lies.
God tells me the truth.
My heart is swayed.
The Father is true.
The enemy whispers lies.
The Shepherd leads me in the right way.
"Come to me, all who are weary and I will give you rest."
"My sheep hear my voice."
Thank you Father for being greater than my brain and better than my desires.
Before my feet touch the floor
in the morning
I have
failed
My mind reminds me
"You slept in too late"
"You need to help Bill"
"You are doing it wrong"
The judgement is coming
from me
Nobody says these things to me
But myself
Jesus please let me feel your
Peace
Please let me hear your voice
Not mine
Help me see you
Not my
faults
You are perfect
So I don't have to be
You are perfect
So I don't have to be
You are perfect
So I don't have to be
That's your job
Not mine
My job is to
Trust you
Not my abilities
Just
You
Please Jesus
Help me
in the morning
I have
failed
My mind reminds me
"You slept in too late"
"You need to help Bill"
"You are doing it wrong"
The judgement is coming
from me
Nobody says these things to me
But myself
Jesus please let me feel your
Peace
Please let me hear your voice
Not mine
Help me see you
Not my
faults
You are perfect
So I don't have to be
You are perfect
So I don't have to be
You are perfect
So I don't have to be
That's your job
Not mine
My job is to
Trust you
Not my abilities
Just
You
Please Jesus
Help me
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