I want to defeat the lies. I hear them so frequently and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can reject them and defeat them with truth but other times it's like they haunt me. Whispers and looks and insecurities. Is it pride? Not really lies, but pride that masks itself as lies from the Enemy? Am I depressed? Too self absorbed and self righteous? Not in my Bible enough?
When I feel this way-- confused, lied to, struggling with truth, and faked out, it seems like the common denominator might just be me. The answer might be that I'm just messed up and I need to be gone, be done, quit, leave. I'm the problem. I'm the one causing the drama and the weirdness. My head knows that's not the right answer and that that's another lie. Usually I look at my phone or check Facebook expectantly looking for someone's approval or attention, and even if I do hear from someone, it doesn't fill that void. I am not satisfied. In the back of my mind, I know what the problem is. Even though its faint I can hear Jesus whisper, "Come to me. You feel lonely? Come to me. You feel sad, like no one notices you, like no one is in tune with your emotions? Come to me."
Usually what happens is I feel insecure or outdone. Then I think of a way to make myself look better, like "repent" to someone. But it's really not repentance because I am doing it for my own gain or because I want something. Even if the repentance at the beginning was true, my heart twists it and makes it about me, not pleasing Jesus. Then I feel justified in my anger or disappointment. I haven't yet spent time with Jesus, notice. When I do finally spend time with Jesus, journaling or praying or reading the Bible, it's very soft and kind but also very convicting. I have more clarity on what I need to do (usually nothing, just my heart needs to stop whining).
The conviction process is subtle and I fight it. I'd rather always be right, always know how to act, and what to say. But I can't even trust my own thoughts. Sometimes my thoughts betray me and the truth that I know to be true. Then, instead of this hum or barrage of thoughts I can't control, comes peace. Peace that doesn't look to my phone or Facebook or my husband for affirmation. Peace that only looks to Jesus. I wonder what my face looks like in the "before" and "after" because I know I wear my emotions on my sleeve and can't fool anyone.
Romans 10:21- "But of Israel he says, 'All day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and contrary people.'"
I am so disobedient, so contrary and so undeserving. But God always pursues in a soft voice, in a patient manner and calms my craziness. He answers my question of what is wrong. Yes, something is wrong with me. I am the problem. My sin is the problem. BUT Christ died for that. The problem is not really there. The already-but-not-yet. It's gone, but I still live in the in-between time. Suddenly I'm glad for the insecurity because ultimately it should lead me to Jesus.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
Football Musings
I went to the grocery store Saturday night to get last-minute supplies for our Superbowl gathering. It was very busy for a Saturday, like a hushed excited hum in the store. It occurred to me that football can be that bridge for people to begin to understand one another.
The last year has been difficult. Lots of interpersonal conflict for me personally and in communities with whom I affiliate. So much changed with our church and legitimate wrongdoings were brought forth. Everyone had their own take on it and it felt like this awkward thing no one wanted to talk about but desperately wanted to talk about. Lines were drawn in the sand and it felt like a determination of dice put you on one side of the line or the other. People we wouldn't otherwise have naturally related to suddenly felt like "on our team" and likewise people we thought we on our "team," there was suddenly this weirdness because we don't agree anymore. Well, that and fear that if we did disagree we would be slandered or ostracized because we had seen it happen to others. We weren't making it up, there was lots of evidence for those fears.
I already naturally struggle with caring about what people think. If someone disagrees with my point of view, I can get really insecure and scared. It opens the door to hearing lies. At the end of last year I heard so many lies straight from the Enemy. It feels strange blaming it on him but I really don't have a better explanation. My brain would think thoughts that are not mine. Normally I can counter non-truths with at least the most basic Bible verse like John 14:6, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one gets to the Father except through me." But this last several months it's like what I was hearing that was untrue drowned everything else out.
When our church (that we left in May, but still struggled to ignore their working out of the issues) finally closed in December, I was again afraid. I didn't know what to expect. Would my husband lead us back there, to the new churches taking it's place? Would there still be an awkwardness and tension in my relationships because of the line in the sand?
What I'm observing is that when the church ended, so did much of the awkwardness. The field is level now. People who "stayed" and people who "left" are doing pretty much the same thing that is, trying to navigate a new terrain of relating to God's people and worshipping in a church. What you think about what happened to make the church implode is kind of a moot point. It's history, and God is and will use it.
Now, back to my original point of football. It was easy to hole up with our "team" when this all went down. But football, a good neutral point has helped to soften these lines and break the ice. It almost made me tear up to have friends enjoy the game with us that, a year ago, would have broken into an awkward conversation and we'd all have left with hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
While everyone has Seahawks fever, it doesn't matter whether you're a Democrat or Republican, for or opposed to vaccines, homeschool or public school, whatever. That's the real beauty of sports. It brings people together. Yeah, it's a game. But God uses it to do such bigger things.
The last year has been difficult. Lots of interpersonal conflict for me personally and in communities with whom I affiliate. So much changed with our church and legitimate wrongdoings were brought forth. Everyone had their own take on it and it felt like this awkward thing no one wanted to talk about but desperately wanted to talk about. Lines were drawn in the sand and it felt like a determination of dice put you on one side of the line or the other. People we wouldn't otherwise have naturally related to suddenly felt like "on our team" and likewise people we thought we on our "team," there was suddenly this weirdness because we don't agree anymore. Well, that and fear that if we did disagree we would be slandered or ostracized because we had seen it happen to others. We weren't making it up, there was lots of evidence for those fears.
I already naturally struggle with caring about what people think. If someone disagrees with my point of view, I can get really insecure and scared. It opens the door to hearing lies. At the end of last year I heard so many lies straight from the Enemy. It feels strange blaming it on him but I really don't have a better explanation. My brain would think thoughts that are not mine. Normally I can counter non-truths with at least the most basic Bible verse like John 14:6, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one gets to the Father except through me." But this last several months it's like what I was hearing that was untrue drowned everything else out.
When our church (that we left in May, but still struggled to ignore their working out of the issues) finally closed in December, I was again afraid. I didn't know what to expect. Would my husband lead us back there, to the new churches taking it's place? Would there still be an awkwardness and tension in my relationships because of the line in the sand?
What I'm observing is that when the church ended, so did much of the awkwardness. The field is level now. People who "stayed" and people who "left" are doing pretty much the same thing that is, trying to navigate a new terrain of relating to God's people and worshipping in a church. What you think about what happened to make the church implode is kind of a moot point. It's history, and God is and will use it.
Now, back to my original point of football. It was easy to hole up with our "team" when this all went down. But football, a good neutral point has helped to soften these lines and break the ice. It almost made me tear up to have friends enjoy the game with us that, a year ago, would have broken into an awkward conversation and we'd all have left with hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
While everyone has Seahawks fever, it doesn't matter whether you're a Democrat or Republican, for or opposed to vaccines, homeschool or public school, whatever. That's the real beauty of sports. It brings people together. Yeah, it's a game. But God uses it to do such bigger things.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Beautiful are the Feet
Can it be that the person I need to preach to the most, is myself? How can it be that I forget so frequently? Am I my biggest ministry opportunity?
That must be the most narcissistic thing ever.
Romans 10:15-- How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news?
Lord, please give me beautiful feet, ones that preach the good news to whoever is listening. And most of the time that will only be me. Allow me to wrestle and work out my salvation with fear and trembling, that all this might actually be true. It feels too good to be true.
My goal for this blog is to write. Just to write honestly. An entry every few days, about whatever the Lord has indicated me to write about. Not to get people to read, but to be obedient to what he's told me.
Almost a year ago, I felt like God told me to write. The "goal" was a book. It was silly. I talked about it with a friend, told my husband, and got to writing my book. It fizzled, as most things do. I didn't know where to start. But here it is, many months later, and the urge to write is still in my periphery. That must mean it's from God. Writing takes practice. I can't just sit down and write a book on my first try.
Lord, make my feet beautiful. Make them pleasing to you.
That must be the most narcissistic thing ever.
Romans 10:15-- How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news?
Lord, please give me beautiful feet, ones that preach the good news to whoever is listening. And most of the time that will only be me. Allow me to wrestle and work out my salvation with fear and trembling, that all this might actually be true. It feels too good to be true.
My goal for this blog is to write. Just to write honestly. An entry every few days, about whatever the Lord has indicated me to write about. Not to get people to read, but to be obedient to what he's told me.
Almost a year ago, I felt like God told me to write. The "goal" was a book. It was silly. I talked about it with a friend, told my husband, and got to writing my book. It fizzled, as most things do. I didn't know where to start. But here it is, many months later, and the urge to write is still in my periphery. That must mean it's from God. Writing takes practice. I can't just sit down and write a book on my first try.
Lord, make my feet beautiful. Make them pleasing to you.
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