Boring

My life is boring. Every day is more-or-less the same. I get up, make food, clean, do schoolwork with the kids, rest (sometimes), exercise, clean, cook, put everyone to bed and maybe have some time to myself in the evening. Tonight I am so incredibly thankful for my boring life. Mundane. The same.

I look at my five kids bounding all over my house, laughing and playing. Just about on the verge of fighting, but toeing that line. Five parts of my heart around me all the time. I get annoyed by them. Their constant yelling and me having to play referee. But then, like tonight, I just soak up the beauty of the boringness of my life. Mundane. The same.

Tonight I am so grateful that I have kids to be annoyed by, and messes to clean up. Every bedroom in my house is full with people and their things. No empty beds, no perfectly neat rooms because nobody lives in them. This house is lived in. And that's the most wonderful thing of which I can think.

Because tonight there's someone who has one less child to tuck into bed. Someone out there has one fewer hug to receive. That child went home to Jesus. And I'm selfish, I'm not ready to give my kids back to Jesus.

It'll happen someday. Maybe I'll go first, or my husband. There will be pain and crisis, a symptom of the world being no what it should. But for now, I'm satisfied in my boring, quiet, predictable life; and the little souls for whom I get to care.

Unconditional

One of the main places I have felt the love of Christ is in my book club. It wasn't always like this. This book club has been the source of many of my frustrations and pain in the last four years. This is not to say it was caused by the ladies in the group. It is more likely that the pain I have felt radiating from the group is an echo of past legitimate sin against me. Regardless, book club has been very difficult for me. I have been difficult to befriend in this group. I now see that this is a symptom of something very wrong in me--wrong thinking, a lack of bonding, and lots and lots of sadness, and likely some spiritual oppression.

But these ladies have responded with grace. My behavior in the last year should not warrant any concern from them. I have acted out, thrown a fit, and been a major selfish bitch. But I am not condemned, I am forgiven. I get a new start. They seemingly do not remember the bad time. In my religious mind this makes no sense. I should have been kicked out long ago for being contentious and selfish.

But these ladies have responded with Christ's words, not their own. They have not piled on the shame as I have done with myself. And I see Christ more clearly because of them.

I feel unworthy of any kindness or love. But they, and Christ, still give it endlessly and I'm so grateful.

To look at a picture of two friends having fun and I wasn't there and NOT feel hurt or jealous is a new feeling. My first reaction was joy for my friends. But then, that prowling lion looking to attack tempted me and started to whisper lies. I know he is a liar, a deceiver, an enemy. Not just for me but for my friends. The enemy wants me to be angry and hurt and bitter. The enemy wants me to give into my feelings and hold resentment against my friend. My friends that always point me to the Advocate, the Redeemer, the Father. The friends that know my struggles and love me enough not to shield the truth of their friendship from me, just as I should not have to shield my other relationships from them. 

You lost this time, Deceiver. And you'll lose again.