My life is boring. Every day is more-or-less the same. I get up, make food, clean, do schoolwork with the kids, rest (sometimes), exercise, clean, cook, put everyone to bed and maybe have some time to myself in the evening. Tonight I am so incredibly thankful for my boring life. Mundane. The same.
I look at my five kids bounding all over my house, laughing and playing. Just about on the verge of fighting, but toeing that line. Five parts of my heart around me all the time. I get annoyed by them. Their constant yelling and me having to play referee. But then, like tonight, I just soak up the beauty of the boringness of my life. Mundane. The same.
Tonight I am so grateful that I have kids to be annoyed by, and messes to clean up. Every bedroom in my house is full with people and their things. No empty beds, no perfectly neat rooms because nobody lives in them. This house is lived in. And that's the most wonderful thing of which I can think.
Because tonight there's someone who has one less child to tuck into bed. Someone out there has one fewer hug to receive. That child went home to Jesus. And I'm selfish, I'm not ready to give my kids back to Jesus.
It'll happen someday. Maybe I'll go first, or my husband. There will be pain and crisis, a symptom of the world being no what it should. But for now, I'm satisfied in my boring, quiet, predictable life; and the little souls for whom I get to care.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Unconditional
One of the main places I have felt the love of Christ is in my book club. It wasn't always like this. This book club has been the source of many of my frustrations and pain in the last four years. This is not to say it was caused by the ladies in the group. It is more likely that the pain I have felt radiating from the group is an echo of past legitimate sin against me. Regardless, book club has been very difficult for me. I have been difficult to befriend in this group. I now see that this is a symptom of something very wrong in me--wrong thinking, a lack of bonding, and lots and lots of sadness, and likely some spiritual oppression.
But these ladies have responded with grace. My behavior in the last year should not warrant any concern from them. I have acted out, thrown a fit, and been a major selfish bitch. But I am not condemned, I am forgiven. I get a new start. They seemingly do not remember the bad time. In my religious mind this makes no sense. I should have been kicked out long ago for being contentious and selfish.
But these ladies have responded with Christ's words, not their own. They have not piled on the shame as I have done with myself. And I see Christ more clearly because of them.
I feel unworthy of any kindness or love. But they, and Christ, still give it endlessly and I'm so grateful.
But these ladies have responded with grace. My behavior in the last year should not warrant any concern from them. I have acted out, thrown a fit, and been a major selfish bitch. But I am not condemned, I am forgiven. I get a new start. They seemingly do not remember the bad time. In my religious mind this makes no sense. I should have been kicked out long ago for being contentious and selfish.
But these ladies have responded with Christ's words, not their own. They have not piled on the shame as I have done with myself. And I see Christ more clearly because of them.
I feel unworthy of any kindness or love. But they, and Christ, still give it endlessly and I'm so grateful.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
To look at a picture of two friends having fun and I wasn't there and NOT feel hurt or jealous is a new feeling. My first reaction was joy for my friends. But then, that prowling lion looking to attack tempted me and started to whisper lies. I know he is a liar, a deceiver, an enemy. Not just for me but for my friends. The enemy wants me to be angry and hurt and bitter. The enemy wants me to give into my feelings and hold resentment against my friend. My friends that always point me to the Advocate, the Redeemer, the Father. The friends that know my struggles and love me enough not to shield the truth of their friendship from me, just as I should not have to shield my other relationships from them.
You lost this time, Deceiver. And you'll lose again.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Lord Jesus, you know my heart. You know my desire for my husband. You know my struggles. Let my understanding be pure and holy. Let me glorify you in my marriage, in all things. Let me see people the way you see them, let me understand the way you mean. Redeem my fallen mind to be one with your mind. Redeem my heart to follow you, not sin. Please show me how to be friends and not to obsess. Please show me why I struggle in this way, to understand rather than just shame myself into change because that's the "right" thing to do. Please heal my heart and restore my soul and mind.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Kindness to myself
What if kindness to myself is staying off of Facebook?
I have been on Facebook since the beginning almost, because I was in college when it was introduced and only accessible to those with an .edu email address. It has been a daily part of my life for probably about 15 years. But, the last fifteen years have seen a lot of angst. A lot of pride and despair cycling relentlessly. Maybe there is a connection? Maybe Facebook and my personality and past aren't the best combination. I am already prone to compare, judge, and think badly of myself and others. What if staying away from Facebook is being kind to myself AND my friends? What if I am a better friend by being "disconnected" online?
What is the "hook" keeping me from having a healthy relationship with Facebook?
I don't know. I know I can have self control and not log on when I "deactivate" my account but I have a hard time having self control when I'm just avoiding logging in. I think part of that distinction is if I'm not online, no one is tagging me in things and I'm not "missing" things. Well, I am, but I won't have as many notifications when I come back. So, it's because of the notifications? Who cares if I'm being notified? What if it's kindness to myself to no judged myself for why I'm hooked to Facebook?
No, it's because of the notifications. Because I don't want to miss things. Because I don't want other people to know I'm missing things. If I'm deactivated from Facebook, people won't even see me listed as "not responding." When I see people as not responded, I sometimes get offended. Like, "How dare they not even respond!" So, I judge people. I am afraid of being judged if I don't respond on Facebook. It's better if I just don't know what I'm missing, and others can't contact me about it.
I can be a better friend, stay connected and get relevant information in other ways when I'm taking a break from Facebook. That's being kind to myself right now. It makes my brain less scattered.
I have been on Facebook since the beginning almost, because I was in college when it was introduced and only accessible to those with an .edu email address. It has been a daily part of my life for probably about 15 years. But, the last fifteen years have seen a lot of angst. A lot of pride and despair cycling relentlessly. Maybe there is a connection? Maybe Facebook and my personality and past aren't the best combination. I am already prone to compare, judge, and think badly of myself and others. What if staying away from Facebook is being kind to myself AND my friends? What if I am a better friend by being "disconnected" online?
What is the "hook" keeping me from having a healthy relationship with Facebook?
I don't know. I know I can have self control and not log on when I "deactivate" my account but I have a hard time having self control when I'm just avoiding logging in. I think part of that distinction is if I'm not online, no one is tagging me in things and I'm not "missing" things. Well, I am, but I won't have as many notifications when I come back. So, it's because of the notifications? Who cares if I'm being notified? What if it's kindness to myself to no judged myself for why I'm hooked to Facebook?
No, it's because of the notifications. Because I don't want to miss things. Because I don't want other people to know I'm missing things. If I'm deactivated from Facebook, people won't even see me listed as "not responding." When I see people as not responded, I sometimes get offended. Like, "How dare they not even respond!" So, I judge people. I am afraid of being judged if I don't respond on Facebook. It's better if I just don't know what I'm missing, and others can't contact me about it.
I can be a better friend, stay connected and get relevant information in other ways when I'm taking a break from Facebook. That's being kind to myself right now. It makes my brain less scattered.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Baggage Claim
I walk into a situation and I carry a bag with me. The tag says "Abandoned Girl." Not my name, not my address. Actually there are many bags I carry in with me. Another being "Stupid" and yet another "Comic relief." Sometimes the bags are so heavy I can't focus on anything else in the room but the weight on my back. I think sometimes I put the bags at my feet and join conversation so it "looks" like I'm not carrying anything, but the weight is still with me.
When do I pick up the baggage?
In specific groups. Groups of people with whom I've gone "behind the counter" seem to be harder to even let the baggage set at my feet. Groups of people with whom it's still kind of surface I can trick easier. People who have seen my garbage, I feel like they're judging me. Community group knows I'm not perfect, new people I seem to have fooled. Book club knows where I struggle, new women's group doesn't in the same way. I don't know why that's threatening. I can be "vulnerable" but it is at a very high cost to me because I think they judge me. Instead of feeling safe with safe people, there is an intense feeling of abandonment and judgment.
Why is that?
Because it was the people I was supposed to be bonded to, and who I tried to bond to, that judged me the most, or from whom I felt the most judged. Mom and Dad. So the people I am bonded to now, and the list is short, have the potential to judge me and hurt me the most. It's just easier to keep things surface. Less disappointment. But not actually fixing the problem.
When do I pick up the baggage?
In specific groups. Groups of people with whom I've gone "behind the counter" seem to be harder to even let the baggage set at my feet. Groups of people with whom it's still kind of surface I can trick easier. People who have seen my garbage, I feel like they're judging me. Community group knows I'm not perfect, new people I seem to have fooled. Book club knows where I struggle, new women's group doesn't in the same way. I don't know why that's threatening. I can be "vulnerable" but it is at a very high cost to me because I think they judge me. Instead of feeling safe with safe people, there is an intense feeling of abandonment and judgment.
Why is that?
Because it was the people I was supposed to be bonded to, and who I tried to bond to, that judged me the most, or from whom I felt the most judged. Mom and Dad. So the people I am bonded to now, and the list is short, have the potential to judge me and hurt me the most. It's just easier to keep things surface. Less disappointment. But not actually fixing the problem.
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