I think there's something wrong with me

I want to defeat the lies. I hear them so frequently and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can reject them and defeat them with truth but other times it's like they haunt me. Whispers and looks and insecurities. Is it pride? Not really lies, but pride that masks itself as lies from the Enemy? Am I depressed? Too self absorbed and self righteous? Not in my Bible enough?

When I feel this way-- confused, lied to, struggling with truth, and faked out, it seems like the common denominator might just be me. The answer might be that I'm just messed up and I need to be gone, be done, quit, leave. I'm the problem. I'm the one causing the drama and the weirdness. My head knows that's not the right answer and that that's another lie. Usually I look at my phone or check Facebook expectantly looking for someone's approval or attention, and even if I do hear from someone, it doesn't fill that void. I am not satisfied. In the back of my mind, I know what the problem is. Even though its faint I can hear Jesus whisper, "Come to me. You feel lonely? Come to me. You feel sad, like no one notices you, like no one is in tune with your emotions? Come to me."

Usually what happens is I feel insecure or outdone. Then I think of a way to make myself look better, like "repent" to someone. But it's really not repentance because I am doing it for my own gain or because I want something. Even if the repentance at the beginning was true, my heart twists it and makes it about me, not pleasing Jesus. Then I feel justified in my anger or disappointment. I haven't yet spent time with Jesus, notice. When I do finally spend time with Jesus, journaling or praying or reading the Bible, it's very soft and kind but also very convicting. I have more clarity on what I need to do (usually nothing, just my heart needs to stop whining).

The conviction process is subtle and I fight it. I'd rather always be right, always know how to act, and what to say. But I can't even trust my own thoughts. Sometimes my thoughts betray me and the truth that I know to be true. Then, instead of this hum or barrage of thoughts I can't control, comes peace. Peace that doesn't look to my phone or Facebook or my husband for affirmation. Peace that only looks to Jesus. I wonder what my face looks like in the "before" and "after" because I know I wear my emotions on my sleeve and can't fool anyone.

Romans 10:21- "But of Israel he says, 'All day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and contrary people.'"

I am so disobedient, so contrary and so undeserving. But God always pursues in a soft voice, in a patient manner and calms my craziness. He answers my question of what is wrong. Yes, something is wrong with me. I am the problem. My sin is the problem. BUT Christ died for that. The problem is not really there. The already-but-not-yet. It's gone, but I still live in the in-between time. Suddenly I'm glad for the insecurity because ultimately it should lead me to Jesus.