Day in the life

I wrote this a year ago, but could have easily written it yesterday, or three months ago, or tomorrow or really any point in the last year or more. When I realized that, that I've been feeling like it's been the baby blues for longer than I can remember, I decided to get the prescription filled, swallow my pride and join millions of others on antidepressants. My kids deserve a mom who's "there" in the present more than just sometimes. 

I still chalk so much of it up to hormones, but that doesn't mean I might need a little help kicking this junk to the curb and moving on. I feel like I'm on a treadmill. I make some good progress, talk to Jesus and confess sin, but at the end of the day maybe it's something more than that. I don't want to be the crazy mom. I know I am a sinner and my kids for sure know that, but I don't want my kids to say of me, "she never asked for help even though she needed it." I hope they say, "because my mom asked for help, she got help and now I understand Jesus better because of it." 

Tuesday

8am- Got to "sleep in" until 8am, but really have been up since midnight feeding the baby, falling asleep in the nursing chair, waking to put baby back in bed, only for a few minutes before he wakes again and the cycle begins again. Nevermind that we didn't go to sleep until midnight because the postpartum emotions and tears were like a wild fire that I couldn't contain.

815- make lunch for the husband and get started on breakfast for kids, kiss husband goodbye, holding off tears as I face the next day of uncertainty and feeling guilty for saying some things during last night's hormonal issue. 

830- kids eating breakfast, baby wakes so I get him, eat my breakfast.

9- kids run off and play and for the next hour I nurse baby and walk around my house crying. The hormones are back. It's hard to distinguish truth from lies during this time. I know my thoughts have some truth to them, but how much of it is true and how much is the enemy exploiting my hormonal instability and exhaustion? 

1030- pull myself together enough (I realize now I didn't go to Jesus, really at all) to "do school" with the kids. Baby Calvin is napping. The little ones (Wes and Della) are doing who-knows-what. In keeping with our "Grace Year" theme, I only ask them to do the minimum- math page and language arts workbooks and handwriting. They are becoming surprisingly independent!

noon- lunch- PB&J, our usual. I don't remember what I frantically ate because I was probably starving. Also pretty sure I was on my 6th cup of coffee at this point.

1pm- Get everyone dressed so we can go to the orthodontist for a surprise visit because Caley's retainer fell out. This is like the 5th time it's happened and it's starting to get really annoying. I think I wore yoga pants and my grubby high school swimming sweatshirt. 

2pm- at the orthodontist, trying to put on a nice face for all the "wow, 5 kids" "he's so cute" "what are their ages" and "how do you do it" so I don't give into the hormones in front of unsuspecting strangers.

230- Come home and put Della down for a nap, Calvin is napping in his carseat and miraculously the big three agreeably do quiet time in this rooms for a whole hour! I got to read a book and surf the internet! 

4pm- The day is looking up, the kids are playing well, someone's bringing us a meal and I am drinking wine. I spontaneously decide to do a sorting activity with the kids, sorting the winter and summer olympic events. 

530- Food arrives. Hooray! I forgot to set the rice-cooker. This almost sends me into a tailspin, again. Husband gets home and he jokes that I've failed because I forgot about the rice. I totally know he's joking, but the tears begin again. He feels horrible.

7pm- Everyone's eaten dinner, and we all watch "Little House on the Prairie." It's becoming a regular thing. History lesson and literature lesson--check!!

8pm- Kids are in bed, Calvin is down for the night (almost) and I get to snuggle with my husband and read "Call the Midwife."

It wasn't such a bad day after all.