Liking What Looks Back at Me

I have been afraid and obsessed with mirrors for as long as I can remember. In the house I grew up in, there was a little desk I would do homework at in the guest room. It had a mirror on the wall next to it. I remember looking in that mirror and making funny faces and making myself laugh. Laughing so much I didn't get any homework done. I don't think that was the first time I felt drawn to the mirror, but it's one of the times I didn't feel despairing or prideful because of the mirror.
For so long I have avoided a mirror. It never reflected me accurately. Either I felt great and my reflection was horrible, or I felt horrible and looked not-so-bad. When I say horrible or not-so-bad, I mean my body size and shape. I look in the mirror and my tummy is too poochy, my butt is too big, or my chin has too much fat.
I saw a meme on Pinterest a while back that said, "I wish I was as fat as I was when I first thought I was fat." It's so true! Even at 130lbs I thought I was fat. Heck, even at 119lbs in high school right after I'd lost 50lbs going to Weight Watchers I thought I was fat. I've always been dissatisfied with my weight or pants size or something about the way I look.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's not a dissatisfaction, it's a disorder. I have a disordered way of looking at my body. Changing my body won't necessarily change my view of my body. I just have to change my view of my body. Having five babies in the last 10 years has helped change my view of my body, if even a tiny bit. Like, it's okay that I'm not 130lbs, I've had five babies. The cumulative time my body has been my own in the last 10 years? Probably less than a year. When you count pregnancy and breasfeeding, I've had probably 12-18 months in the last 10 years in which my body has only supported me. Learning to not hate my body is practical grace to myself. It's practically walking that I'm already pleasing to Jesus. Holding onto dissatisfaction with my body is the equivalent of "I'm not able to forgive myself." It's simply pride.

Does this mean I should stop exercising and eat crap? Not at all. But it took 10+ years to get this body, so it's going to take a while. In the meantime, I get to enjoy the body I have, not be afraid of what reflects in the mirror.