Kindness

God's kindness to me. My own kindness to me. I don't even know what that looks like. I've hurt and abused and neglected myself for so long. I can't get past the sad right now. I am sad for what I've experienced and what my paradigm of thinking has been for so long. Is that pride? Or am I just sad?

I have been very afraid of sharing my opinion. It has not been okay for me to say, "I disagree" or "I'm not okay." It has not been okay to ask a question. Just the other day when I asked my friend a question, a simple question, a clarifying question, I felt guilty for asking it, like it wasn't my place and it was "sin" to even ask. I haven't been allowed to have my voice without being judged, ridiculed, or punished. Sometimes the punishment has been as small as a look of disapproval, or a tone of voice that says, "You're stupid for asking that question." Disapproval for so long has meant "bad." Correction for so long has meant "stupid."

I also notice my awkwardness when talking with people. Smiling at the right time, but not necessarily when my heart says I should. Saying, "uh huh" when the other person pauses but sometimes it feels forced. Following all the right rules of polite conversation but because I'm self-conscious, not because I really care or understand. Because asking a question would be I'm stupid for not getting it the first time.

Apparently I have a displeased resting face. Or "bitch face." It's just the way my face looks! I don't know what to do! Maybe it's an indicator of my teetering on the edge of a black hole that I will fall into and be unable to stop. Maybe that face of displeasure is not because I'm judging others (which, let's face it, I do), but more because I'm constantly judging myself. I'm constantly uncomfortable for one reason or another. Even during intimacy with my husband. It hurts to say that.

So what does kindness look like to myself? Being okay with my resting bitch face? Not being self-conscious of it? Honestly asking questions when I don't understand something? Honestly answering the question "how are you"?

Probably all of those things.