**Within a few hours of this despair and writing, God reminded me through the friend of whom I refer to in this post that I am remembered, I am loved, and I am considered a best friend. Thank you Jesus for pointing me to people who love you and also love me and are not like former friends I have had.**

That frustrating feeling. Someone else has what I want. I want that midmorning coffee break with a friend. I have that, often actually. But I don't have it like I want it. I'm disappointed. When my friends make time to meet for a coffee break, and on "best friend day" I am sitting by myself doing a puzzle and overseeing schoolwork with my kids. It is hidden. Nothing to be admired. I hear those lies that say I am unimportant. That I was lied too. It hurts when I ask my friend what she's doing this week and she says she's working in her kids' classrooms all day. Then the next day I see her doing something fun. It makes me sad. I feel lied to.

She didn't really lie to me. She doesn't have to justify herself to me, nor I to her. But why does it have to be public? Why does it bother me? But it still does. It feels like a judgement. I hear, "Hey, it's best friends day and I didn't ask you to join me for a best friends coffee. You're not as important as me. I'm not going to make time for you." Why does it feel like a judgement? If she listed her best friends (and there is more than one), I know I would be on that list.

She is a safe person but this judgement makes it feel unsafe. The judgement isn't coming from her, but from me. I am what makes it unsafe. The comparing. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this?

It hurts because I was hurt like that before. The way Gina treated me was wrong. She said with her words and actions, "I only have room for one best friend and you're not it. And the reason you're not it is because there's something wrong with you, something I don't want to associate with." And she put it on display. The judgement comes from that pain, that abuse from Gina. She mistreated me and hurt me on purpose and told me it was because there was something wrong with me. I didn't give her the status she wanted from her friends. I wasn't "cool enough."

That. Was. Sin. Against. Me.

That's not on me, that's on her.

And punishing my current friends for what Gina did to me doesn't get me anything but hurt and anger and despair.

Yesterday I taught Sunday School and it was about the stoning of Stephen in Acts. Even though the pharisees and Sanhedrin were lying about Stephen and trying to trap him and eventually kill him, Stephen forgave. Instead of carrying around that heavy stone of what was done to him, he put that stone down and forgave.

I have been carrying the stone of Gina's sins against me around for a long time. I may never reconcile with her and I probably won't hear an apology from her. I don't know where she is living or moreover, where she is with Christ. Probably pretty far away. But I have been carrying this weight of pain from her around and it's simply too heavy to bear. It might not have been that heavy to begin with but simply that I've been carrying it for 20+ years has made me tired and worn. And every time a friend now does something that echoes that hurt from Gina, I get angry again. I get mad that I'm still carrying that weight. I try to throw that stone at my current friends, but that just leaves all of us confused and hurt.

Jesus. I don't know where Gina is or what she's doing. I have been hurt by her. She treated me unfairly, she judged me, she abadoned me. My current friends are not like her. They're not perfect but they are not like she was. I am tired of carrying around this weight of unforgiveness.

Jesus. I forgive Gina for telling me I wasn't cool enough, good enough, popular enough. I forgive her for not being a good friend to me. I forgive her for her sins against me. I am ready to put down this weight. She believed she could only have one best friend, but that's not true. I have many best friends. And those friends in turn have many best friends. It is possible to have a group of friends and still be okay. I am not "less-than" if I don't see people or interact in the same way. I am not justified by how often I interact with my friends. I am justified by Christ. Please help me stop punishing my friends and myself for the things Gina did to me, because you died for those things.