Monday, September 21, 2015
Lord Jesus, you know my heart. You know my desire for my husband. You know my struggles. Let my understanding be pure and holy. Let me glorify you in my marriage, in all things. Let me see people the way you see them, let me understand the way you mean. Redeem my fallen mind to be one with your mind. Redeem my heart to follow you, not sin. Please show me how to be friends and not to obsess. Please show me why I struggle in this way, to understand rather than just shame myself into change because that's the "right" thing to do. Please heal my heart and restore my soul and mind.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Kindness to myself
What if kindness to myself is staying off of Facebook?
I have been on Facebook since the beginning almost, because I was in college when it was introduced and only accessible to those with an .edu email address. It has been a daily part of my life for probably about 15 years. But, the last fifteen years have seen a lot of angst. A lot of pride and despair cycling relentlessly. Maybe there is a connection? Maybe Facebook and my personality and past aren't the best combination. I am already prone to compare, judge, and think badly of myself and others. What if staying away from Facebook is being kind to myself AND my friends? What if I am a better friend by being "disconnected" online?
What is the "hook" keeping me from having a healthy relationship with Facebook?
I don't know. I know I can have self control and not log on when I "deactivate" my account but I have a hard time having self control when I'm just avoiding logging in. I think part of that distinction is if I'm not online, no one is tagging me in things and I'm not "missing" things. Well, I am, but I won't have as many notifications when I come back. So, it's because of the notifications? Who cares if I'm being notified? What if it's kindness to myself to no judged myself for why I'm hooked to Facebook?
No, it's because of the notifications. Because I don't want to miss things. Because I don't want other people to know I'm missing things. If I'm deactivated from Facebook, people won't even see me listed as "not responding." When I see people as not responded, I sometimes get offended. Like, "How dare they not even respond!" So, I judge people. I am afraid of being judged if I don't respond on Facebook. It's better if I just don't know what I'm missing, and others can't contact me about it.
I can be a better friend, stay connected and get relevant information in other ways when I'm taking a break from Facebook. That's being kind to myself right now. It makes my brain less scattered.
I have been on Facebook since the beginning almost, because I was in college when it was introduced and only accessible to those with an .edu email address. It has been a daily part of my life for probably about 15 years. But, the last fifteen years have seen a lot of angst. A lot of pride and despair cycling relentlessly. Maybe there is a connection? Maybe Facebook and my personality and past aren't the best combination. I am already prone to compare, judge, and think badly of myself and others. What if staying away from Facebook is being kind to myself AND my friends? What if I am a better friend by being "disconnected" online?
What is the "hook" keeping me from having a healthy relationship with Facebook?
I don't know. I know I can have self control and not log on when I "deactivate" my account but I have a hard time having self control when I'm just avoiding logging in. I think part of that distinction is if I'm not online, no one is tagging me in things and I'm not "missing" things. Well, I am, but I won't have as many notifications when I come back. So, it's because of the notifications? Who cares if I'm being notified? What if it's kindness to myself to no judged myself for why I'm hooked to Facebook?
No, it's because of the notifications. Because I don't want to miss things. Because I don't want other people to know I'm missing things. If I'm deactivated from Facebook, people won't even see me listed as "not responding." When I see people as not responded, I sometimes get offended. Like, "How dare they not even respond!" So, I judge people. I am afraid of being judged if I don't respond on Facebook. It's better if I just don't know what I'm missing, and others can't contact me about it.
I can be a better friend, stay connected and get relevant information in other ways when I'm taking a break from Facebook. That's being kind to myself right now. It makes my brain less scattered.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Baggage Claim
I walk into a situation and I carry a bag with me. The tag says "Abandoned Girl." Not my name, not my address. Actually there are many bags I carry in with me. Another being "Stupid" and yet another "Comic relief." Sometimes the bags are so heavy I can't focus on anything else in the room but the weight on my back. I think sometimes I put the bags at my feet and join conversation so it "looks" like I'm not carrying anything, but the weight is still with me.
When do I pick up the baggage?
In specific groups. Groups of people with whom I've gone "behind the counter" seem to be harder to even let the baggage set at my feet. Groups of people with whom it's still kind of surface I can trick easier. People who have seen my garbage, I feel like they're judging me. Community group knows I'm not perfect, new people I seem to have fooled. Book club knows where I struggle, new women's group doesn't in the same way. I don't know why that's threatening. I can be "vulnerable" but it is at a very high cost to me because I think they judge me. Instead of feeling safe with safe people, there is an intense feeling of abandonment and judgment.
Why is that?
Because it was the people I was supposed to be bonded to, and who I tried to bond to, that judged me the most, or from whom I felt the most judged. Mom and Dad. So the people I am bonded to now, and the list is short, have the potential to judge me and hurt me the most. It's just easier to keep things surface. Less disappointment. But not actually fixing the problem.
When do I pick up the baggage?
In specific groups. Groups of people with whom I've gone "behind the counter" seem to be harder to even let the baggage set at my feet. Groups of people with whom it's still kind of surface I can trick easier. People who have seen my garbage, I feel like they're judging me. Community group knows I'm not perfect, new people I seem to have fooled. Book club knows where I struggle, new women's group doesn't in the same way. I don't know why that's threatening. I can be "vulnerable" but it is at a very high cost to me because I think they judge me. Instead of feeling safe with safe people, there is an intense feeling of abandonment and judgment.
Why is that?
Because it was the people I was supposed to be bonded to, and who I tried to bond to, that judged me the most, or from whom I felt the most judged. Mom and Dad. So the people I am bonded to now, and the list is short, have the potential to judge me and hurt me the most. It's just easier to keep things surface. Less disappointment. But not actually fixing the problem.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Painfully awkward
Feeling off
Not understanding tone
More comfortable with children
Uncomfortable around men
It makes more sense now that I understand I am not grown up yet. It's not a bad thing. It's just a fact. It will change. But I can't rush through change. I can't shortcut through this. I want to. I want to be fixed. I don't want to do this work that seems never ending. I want to be at the end.
It's a grace to me that I don't get to shortcut through this but instead get to rely on Him and Him alone.
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