Baggage Claim

I walk into a situation and I carry a bag with me. The tag says "Abandoned Girl." Not my name, not my address. Actually there are many bags I carry in with me. Another being "Stupid" and yet another "Comic relief." Sometimes the bags are so heavy I can't focus on anything else in the room but the weight on my back. I think sometimes I put the bags at my feet and join conversation so it "looks" like I'm not carrying anything, but the weight is still with me.

When do I pick up the baggage?

In specific groups. Groups of people with whom I've gone "behind the counter" seem to be harder to even let the baggage set at my feet. Groups of people with whom it's still kind of surface I can trick easier. People who have seen my garbage, I feel like they're judging me. Community group knows I'm not perfect, new people I seem to have fooled. Book club knows where I struggle, new women's group doesn't in the same way. I don't know why that's threatening. I can be "vulnerable" but it is at a very high cost to me because I think they judge me. Instead of feeling safe with safe people, there is an intense feeling of abandonment and judgment.

Why is that?

Because it was the people I was supposed to be bonded to, and who I tried to bond to, that judged me the most, or from whom I felt the most judged. Mom and Dad. So the people I am bonded to now, and the list is short, have the potential to judge me and hurt me the most. It's just easier to keep things surface. Less disappointment. But not actually fixing the problem.